WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?

So yeah, I'm just sitting at my computer but in my bathroom it's a different story. There's this weird fat guy hogging my toilet, stinking the place out and I really need a pee. He came running to my door asking whether he could borrow my loo. Well, five hours later and my entire house smells of pure, utter turd. I swear he's spread it all over the walls and I keep hearing farting noises. How am I going to get the stupid sod out?